Terrorism is now defined as scaring middle class white people by being maliciously and unrepentantly brown it has been announced.
As the villages of the home counties are deluged by up to 1 black visitor a year, local communtiy groups and Conservative associations have demanded a change in the law.
'It's not that we are racist, but some people need to know where they belong' said village elder Geoffrey Hulme.
'We have no issue with Jamaicans and Pakistani's coming and helping out the nation for a bit. We are very grateful. But can you stay in London or Birmingham where you are welcome?'
'My wife got the shock of her life when she left the village shop and there was a family from Liverpool. And that wasn't the most shocking part. The husband was white but his wife was black! And their children were a sort of brownish colour. My wife nearly had a heart attack!'
'So please, stay away or cover your face. Else we will have you arrested on suspicion of terrorist related white people scaring.'
