The Morning Gerald

Dictator Shockingly Re-elected

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Recep Erdoğan, Turkish President and leader of the AKP party, has celebrated his party being reelected with a majority it has been announced.</div>
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Speaking to political pundits on Turkish television's top neutral political program 'Erdoğan Enthuses', the President said 'This is the victory our nation needed.'</div>
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'I will of course, as President, remain completely unbiassed. I don't care who in the AKP Party becomes Prime Minister. It's my party after all so, you know, whoever.'</div>
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'As long as they swear their allegiance to me personally, er, in my capacity of President of course, then we can see a renewed, Ottoman islamist state.'</div>
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'And cover up your hair you filthy whore. You are inflaming my private gentleman's area.'</div>
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'In fact, just go home. Are there any men that can interview me?'</div>

Dictator Shockingly Re-elected

Recep Erdoğan, Turkish President and leader of the AKP party, has celebrated his party being reelected with a majority it has been an...

If You Build Planes Out Of Old Ladas And Turnips Crashes Will Happen

International, Lifestyle, News 08:47

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The Russian aircrash over Egypt has lead to international calls to improve aircraft safety it has been announced.</div>
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Head of the International Air Safety Noard Geoff Hundt said 'Despite this plane being an Airbus, maintenance was severely substandard.'</div>
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'Initial reports show that valves were replaced with old kitchen sink taps, the electricity generator was a 1974 Lada Riva engine and the landing gear doors had been replaced with metal moulded from the fillings of the teeth of dissidents.'</div>
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'We would suggest that this is generally not what should be used to repair a plane. Perhaps genuine parts would be a suitable alternative.'</div>
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'Or, if you had any sense, you would travel via Russia's safest form of transport. The horse and cart. As long as it isn't rutting season.'</div>
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'Last years incident where a Siberian woman was mistaken for the mare still informs most of our nightmares to this day.'</div>

If You Build Planes Out Of Old Ladas And Turnips Crashes Will Happen

The Russian aircrash over Egypt has lead to international calls to improve aircraft safety it has been announced. Head of the Int...

Ghosts Dress Up As Psychic Sally & Derek Acorah for Halloween

Entertainment, News, UK 14:31

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Ghosts and poltergeists are dressing up as lunatics Psychic Sally and Derek Acorah for Halloween it has been announced.</div>
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A free floating apparition in Speke Hall, Liverpool called Geoff said 'It's traditional that you dress up as what scares you.'</div>
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'Well, Psychic Sally scares the shit out of me. She 'channels' the dead to inform the living of how they are coping with the afterlife.'</div>
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'Let me tell you, channelling is really painful! My arse isn't right for weeks afterwards. And Derek Acorah is just weird looking.'</div>
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'But scariest of all is how they scam money out of idiots to talk to ghosts like me because that isn't actually possible, on account of me being fictional.'</div>

Ghosts Dress Up As Psychic Sally & Derek Acorah for Halloween

Ghosts and poltergeists are dressing up as lunatics Psychic Sally and Derek Acorah for Halloween it has been announced. A free fl...

Benedict Cumberbitches About Politicians

Celebrity, Entertainment, News, Politics, UK 12:56

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Benedict Cumberbatch ended last night's performance of Hamlet with an impassioned plea for politicians to do more over the Syrian refugee crisis.</div>
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Cucumbersnatch, who often uses this platform to make appeals, turned the air blue with his pleas.</div>
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'Ignore the fucking politcians and give us your money' said Clungerflange, chanelling Bob Geldof.</div>
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'They are cunts all of them. Cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts' said the ever eloquent Chunderhatch.</div>
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'So please, I beg you, find your humanity and give money and write to politicians to help these poor, desperate people.'</div>
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Chandlerwax next stars in a self-penned west end play entitled 'The Search for a Less Ridiculous Surname.'</div>

Benedict Cumberbitches About Politicians

Benedict Cumberbatch ended last night's performance of Hamlet with an impassioned plea for politicians to do more over the Syrian...

Happy Camereen!

News, Politics, UK 12:57

Happy Camereen!

Special Tw*t Lanes Opened For Mercedes, BMW and Audi Drivers

Lifestyle, News, UK 13:05

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Motorways are to be widened to four lanes across the UK to accomodate drivers of expensive German cars it has been announced.</div>
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Drivers of Mercedes, BMW's and Audis will have their own lane next to the central reservation.</div>
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There they can travel at whatever speed they desire, drive only 4 inches from the car in front whilst going 110mph, flash their headlights spasmodically and uncontrollably and generally act like utter twats.</div>
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The need for this lane has grown in recent years as the middle aged men have acquired more wealth but not quite enough to buy themselves a Porsche.</div>
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This inferiority complex towards the richer man has seen an explosion in the sales of high spec German vehicles driven like bellends with a deathwish that everyone else wishes would just fuck off and die.</div>

Special Tw*t Lanes Opened For Mercedes, BMW and Audi Drivers

Motorways are to be widened to four lanes across the UK to accomodate drivers of expensive German cars it has been announced. Dri...

Germaine Greer New Daily Mail Columnist

Entertainment, Lifestyle, News 17:10

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Germaine Greer is to start a new column for the Daily Mail, her natural home, it has been announced.</div>
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The column entitled 'Bigotry and Me: My Adventures In Being a Crotchety Old Bint' will explore how the world has moved past Greers old radicalism and left her behind like a particularly ugly and unwanted child at the fairground.</div>
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'Her views are so bizarre and right wing we just had to offer her a slot' said mail sub-editor Giles Bastard.</div>
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'She is going to be writing companion pieces with Katie Hopkins on why everything everywhere is shit and only my way is right, so there.'</div>
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'We are particularly looking forward to her monthly specials, the first of which is called 'Why My Tits Remind Me of Rupert Murdoch's Ballsack.'</div>
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'Groundbreaking, evocative stuff.'</div>

Germaine Greer New Daily Mail Columnist

Germaine Greer is to start a new column for the Daily Mail, her natural home, it has been announced. The column entitled 'Big...