B&Q has announced the closure of 60 of its stores.
Coming as a shock to men everywhere, B&Q chief executive Henry Botham said 'These stores had too many men wandering aimlessly and not buying anything. We had to shut them.'
But 42 year old Mike Hilford of Milton Keynes was devastated by the news.
'B&Q is where I go to get away from it all. When the kids are screaming and my wife is moaning I still haven't fixed the kitchen door hinge, I go to B&Q under the pretence of looking for tools to make the repairs.'
'But really I'm just wandering aimlessly, playing with the power tools and trying to figure out how to justify spending £120 on a seriously vicious looking circular saw I'm never going to use.'
'So instead I head over to the door bell section, elbow an 8 year old out of the way and play with all the bells.'
'Then when the shop assistant comes to ask me to stop as people's ears have started to bleed I just point at the kid and run off.'
'There are hardly any HMVs any more and now fewer B&Qs. Where am I meant to hide?'