Dermot O'Leary has announced that he is to quit hosting the X-Factor.
British born, British raised, British educated, British employed, British resident Irishman O'Leary said 'It is time for me to bring my interesting stylings to other shows.'
He continued 'Middle aged women everywhere want to see more of my unique tight trousered bottom.'
'And nobody can feign interest in a subject and completely ignore an answer given to a pre-written question that I have been handed quite like me.'
'Plus I can dance for an entire day for an essential and necessary charity and still be a total cunt.'
The Samaritans announced they would be opening more phone lines to cope with the influx of middle aged women, who claim they want to mother him but really want to fuck him, and their mourning at his exit.'
