David Tredinnick, Conservative MP and advocate of Astrology in the NHS, has secured private funding to perform a study on the effectiveness of Voodoo as a paliative treatment.
Speaking from outside the Society for Homeopathy, Incantations and Thalassotherapy Exercises (S.H.I.T.E.), Mr. Tredinnick said 'The ancient African and Caribbean art of Voodoo can help ease the pain of those with terminal conditions.'
He continued 'Pushing pins into dolls of your mortal enemies in your final hours is most therapeutic.'
Gregor Johnson, 82 of Helensburgh, has been a recipient of this care package. He had this to say about it.
'Mr. Tredinnick arrived with some photographers in tow and some weird looking bloke with a big hat. He had a doll and asked me to name it with someone I hate.'
He continued 'I did this, but just to hurry them up. The chap with the big hat pushed needles in whilst my body eats itself. I just wanted some fucking morphine but had to tolerate that wanker in my final days.'
'I've got about 3 days until my arsehole finishes consuming my insides and I die an agonising death which has been made worse by the existence of that pair of twats. Now fuck off and let me die in peace.'