The return of the X-Factor, with it's new lineup of judges, has led to a huge rise in hospital admissions from men attempting suicide it was revealed.
Ash Kennedy, 27 from Kilmarnock, said 'My girlfriend insists on watching it. Ususally I can get through with a litre of vodka and a handful of barbiturates.'
'But this year it went too far. Rita 'Paycheque' Ora is bad enough. And I have learnt to accept Cheryl 'Personality' Filipino-Chlamydia.'
'But Nick 'Cunt Cunty McCunterson' Grimshaw pushed me over the edge. I was boiling some skag on a spoon and decided to try to slit my wrists with it.'
'It took nearly half an hour to get through the skin but it was worth it. The release was palpable. It was only then that I noticed Simon Cowell is now basically a creepy old Uncle perving over his nieces and nephew.'
'At that point a desperately needed shotgun was nowhere to be found.'