The Morning Gerald: Arts

Idiots Waste Time Remembering Woman Beating Idiot

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Hundreds of people have gathered in Central Park in New York to remember the life, music and beliefs of John Lennon.</div>
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As they assemble into a CND sign that, from above, can truly be described as 'a CND sign', we interviewed some of the attendees on just why they were there.</div>
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'I love how John and Yoko pursued peace by channelling their vast wealth into lying in bed to make a point. Nobody knows quite what the point was but, by god, they made it' said someone without a job but curiously well dressed.</div>
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'I live my life by John Lennon's words and deeds. I, as it happens, am the walrus. And my wife, who said I look stupid as a sea based mammal, has two black eyes and a ruptured kidney for her trouble. Just like John used to do.'</div>
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'He really is a hero.'</div>

Idiots Waste Time Remembering Woman Beating Idiot

Hundreds of people have gathered in Central Park in New York to remember the life, music and beliefs of John Lennon. As they asse...

National Publications Treated for London Tube Map Addiction

Arts, Entertainment, News 00:05

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Every national publication in the UK is to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital for tube map addiction it has been announced.</div>
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Since the publication of the new tube map some months ago, every newspaper and magazine has obsessively published various versions of the London Underground map.</div>
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'It's such a self indulgent obsession' said Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute.</div>
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'I'm waiting for the article comparing the various renders of Newcastle's underground. Or the alternative Merseyrail map. Or the Glasgow tube printed on a bagel.'</div>
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'But none of these newspapers are based there. And you know, everyone in Britain uses the tube because London is Britain and anywhere outside of the M25 is some sort of plague rat infested waste land.'</div>
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'Cunts.'</div>

National Publications Treated for London Tube Map Addiction

Every national publication in the UK is to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital for tube map addiction it has been announced. ...

Channel 4 Release Grand Designs TV Damage Insurance

Arts, Entertainment, Lifestyle, News, UK 09:07

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Channel 4, in association with Royal Swindon Insurance, are to offer a new policy to all viewers who have found themselves attacking their television whilst watching Grand Designs it has been announced.</div>
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Head of Programs at Channel 4, Mike Whittaker, said 'We received a rather florid video message from a customer and realised we had to do something.'</div>
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'He was sat in front of a smouldering carcass that used to be a television.'</div>
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'He said that the latest episode, featuring an accountant from Banbury building his second dream home had made him have a funny turn.'</div>
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We were played the video message.</div>
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'This prick, this obtuse, self-involved bag of jizz was complaining that he had run out of money despite having already spent over a million on the house.'</div>
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'Then he said he had borrowed a couple of hundred off a friend. McCloud said 'Thousand?' and the incredulity with which he said 'Yes, of course thousand!'</div>
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'Well I lost the fucking plot. Nobody wants to see that. I can barely pay the rent on my mouse infested, rotten floorboarded freezing shite palace without contemplating selling a fucking kidney.'</div>
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'So I smashed the shit out of the telly with a frozen chicken I keep handy just in case.</div>
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'I demand Channel 4 buy me a new one as you provoked me with the sheer scale of twattishness on display. New TV. Now!'</div>
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Policies start from £7 per month.</div>

Channel 4 Release Grand Designs TV Damage Insurance

Channel 4, in association with Royal Swindon Insurance, are to offer a new policy to all viewers who have found themselves attacking ...

Harry Potter Arrested for Memoir 'Harry Potter and the Jailbait Quim'

Arts, News 08:30

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A unknown book written by Harry Potter has emerged and caused quite the ruckus it has been revealed.</div>
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<div dir="ltr">'Harry Potter and the Jailbait Quim' is Harry's personal diary from his time at Hogwarts and it has raised a number of questions that need urgent answers.</div>
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'There is a number of potentially illegal incidents in this diary' said Inspector Geoff Ford of the Met.</div>
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'Mr. Potter speaks of a number of incidents where Luna was shown some real Love good.'</div>
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'He gave Nymphodora a real good Tonks according to this passage.'</div>
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'And he entered Professor Trelawny's Chamber of Secrets. The description is very graphic.'</div>
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'And lets not forget the time he fingered Ginny's cunt in the Great Hall.'</div>

Harry Potter Arrested for Memoir 'Harry Potter and the Jailbait Quim'

A unknown book written by Harry Potter has emerged and caused quite the ruckus it has been revealed. 'Harry Potter and the Jai...

Taiwanese Boy is World's First Physical Art Critic

Arts, International, News 09:24

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE41qO2sV7LW5RaZd4sp6Qg2zrR7WKFuyxRTVhN0g1LGWH57EvpVGfmyDLYGvo-O2xxF1SIQANADaET2WPt4LzMN9wH9Qz0TYWpW_Hnrgg0U-PWSiuMdUjzATtC90Ufn_DOYHMbNiwbfxG/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE41qO2sV7LW5RaZd4sp6Qg2zrR7WKFuyxRTVhN0g1LGWH57EvpVGfmyDLYGvo-O2xxF1SIQANADaET2WPt4LzMN9wH9Qz0TYWpW_Hnrgg0U-PWSiuMdUjzATtC90Ufn_DOYHMbNiwbfxG/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>A 12 year old taiwanese boy has expressed his displeasure at the ridiculousness of pricing art at exorbitant levels by punching holes in expensive works.<br/>
<br/>As he 'stumbled' into a million dollar painting, the boy said 'The brush work is dreadful.'<br/>
<br/>'The balance between dark and light is uneven, the strokes are almost stippled and the perspective is amateurish.'<br/>
<br/>'But it's 'famous' so is worth more than other, more accomplished and more difficult to produce works like 'Tennis Player Scratching Her Arse' or '80s Naked Bloke Holding Baby Like It's A Turd.'<br/>
<br/>'So I punched a hole in it out of frustration. I think some coke spilt down it too.'<br/>
<br/>'Just spend your money on proper art like Banksy's Disneyland satire which will ironically make him very rich and powerful.'</p></div><br/>

Taiwanese Boy is World's First Physical Art Critic

A 12 year old taiwanese boy has expressed his displeasure at the ridiculousness of pricing art at exorbitant levels by punching holes in exp...

Original Koran Pages Found in Mecca (Bingo), Birmingham

Arts, Lifestyle, News 09:01

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFXVvDSMwUlbE4mmA-xGEYjV1e4yA04fauLenMZcGE3TDP8NRb_x9iwGS2PVQKUT6wG-8zDMfZv1n-qw3yWBvpWqINBGe9WPeBku6nNvYoStErFvDeC0zTX8WiVKtOzDfJ4C8tN1al6YoJ/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFXVvDSMwUlbE4mmA-xGEYjV1e4yA04fauLenMZcGE3TDP8NRb_x9iwGS2PVQKUT6wG-8zDMfZv1n-qw3yWBvpWqINBGe9WPeBku6nNvYoStErFvDeC0zTX8WiVKtOzDfJ4C8tN1al6YoJ/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>Pages that have been radiocarbon dates to the early 7th century are almost certainly original pages of the Koran it was announced today.<br/>
<br/>Found in Mecca Bingo, Birmingham, the pages had apparently been forgotten.<br/>
<br/>'We found one of them in an early copy of Loaded. And another in a bumper summer edition of Heat.' said manager Gary Holst.<br/>
<br/>'We have a policy in this bingo hall of ensuring our customers get the very latest magazines to read so we ensure we clear out the old ones at least every 20 years. We try not to have any magazines from the last millenia.'<br/>
<br/>'You can imagine our shock when we found pages from the millenia before that then. Perhaps we need to clean up a little more often.'</p></div><br/>

Original Koran Pages Found in Mecca (Bingo), Birmingham

Pages that have been radiocarbon dates to the early 7th century are almost certainly original pages of the Koran it was announced today. Fo...

Queen Fails to Recognise Father in Painting 'Because It's Arsejuice'

Arts, News, UK 00:01

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9pz6LBdcTipom2XVCNbGfEbRKaHMWDOql26uTnDAlCIViz1m6W8O9JStrQQoHZ-Khfwo3xgXJzcnPmGLv7ecbX5wHQFKAioUvG_TWSLQWTLt5MdOmiOnVf_KJ0QZH2enLAtXI3_-b9Rzs/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9pz6LBdcTipom2XVCNbGfEbRKaHMWDOql26uTnDAlCIViz1m6W8O9JStrQQoHZ-Khfwo3xgXJzcnPmGLv7ecbX5wHQFKAioUvG_TWSLQWTLt5MdOmiOnVf_KJ0QZH2enLAtXI3_-b9Rzs/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>On a visit to Germany, the Queen has been presented with a painting by the German President today.<br/>
<br/>Representing the Queen as a young Princess Elizabeth atop a horse being led by her father, Her Majesty forgot her usual social graces and was open with her opinions.<br/>
<br/>'The horse is blue for a start' said Her Maj.<br/>
<br/>'I look like a miniature Picasso that's had coffee spilt on it.'<br/>
<br/>'My father, if that is truly who it is meant to be, looks like a Scooby Doo baddie on crack.'<br/>
<br/>'Honestly, it's fucking arsejuice. It's cunt cheese of the highest order.'<br/>
<br/>'But thanks. Yeah, thanks for the effort. For the whole five fucking minutes of effort. Cheers.'</p></div><br/>

Queen Fails to Recognise Father in Painting 'Because It's Arsejuice'

On a visit to Germany, the Queen has been presented with a painting by the German President today. Representing the Queen as a young Prince...

50 Shades Author's New Book 'Buttplug' Tells Story From New Perspective

Arts, News 08:52

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZQFX4pXN8R4s3a7aIYX4u617sLKWsdgykLaHiMMQZg628QbCA8ebQcTLtguchYsxDl9H1stWO2N2Li7HQM-nH-LzZcqUZwn6yS1EJlHpf8utyJAgew1vYl0fVuTN3wzKwQtRV7_RLrQ/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZQFX4pXN8R4s3a7aIYX4u617sLKWsdgykLaHiMMQZg628QbCA8ebQcTLtguchYsxDl9H1stWO2N2Li7HQM-nH-LzZcqUZwn6yS1EJlHpf8utyJAgew1vYl0fVuTN3wzKwQtRV7_RLrQ/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px" /></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>E L James, author of the 50 Shades of Grey book series, has released a new novel.<br/>
<br/>Set in the same story as her other 427 books, this tale tells the story of the dysfunctional relationship between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele from the perspective of a red buttplug called Frank.<br/>
<br/>Told in the first person, the story begins with Frank being lubed up. As the story progresses, the account becomes a harrowing tale of rectal examination and praying for colonic irrigation. <br/>
<br/>As the novel concludes, Frank shows his utter relief at being lost down the back of a sofa, never to be seen again where he forms a friendship with a dust mite.<br/>
<br/>E L James has announced her next novel will be told from the perspective of a used condom on the floor.</p></div><br/>

50 Shades Author's New Book 'Buttplug' Tells Story From New Perspective

E L James, author of the 50 Shades of Grey book series, has released a new novel. Set in the same story as her other 427 books, this tale t...

Feminist Men Feel Guilty With Their Struggle Telling US Women Comedians Apart

Arts, Entertainment, News 08:42

<div style="text-align: center; padding: 5px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-t15_UWzbfMnh-5q3cNBm8ZnRCWgRlOEkXHotHfkRLj6zxfJEZjCMTNMBMJgBR2rDSaO0tK_QHZTa4Qov4LYhjZ71G3Y1jcxm2VIbTVLFyIuX96-EmPcG131wxDLo142NMT5X-nO8iQ/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-t15_UWzbfMnh-5q3cNBm8ZnRCWgRlOEkXHotHfkRLj6zxfJEZjCMTNMBMJgBR2rDSaO0tK_QHZTa4Qov4LYhjZ71G3Y1jcxm2VIbTVLFyIuX96-EmPcG131wxDLo142NMT5X-nO8iQ/ cursor: pointer;" style="border: 1px solid; border-radius: 2px;padding: 5px; max-width: 320px " width="320px"></a></div><div class="blogaway-section"><p>British feminist men are lauding the increase in female comedy participation yet feel deep guilt over their inability to identify any of the current big female American comedians.<br>
<br>Ash Kennedy, 27 an accountant from Farnborough said 'I love how the comedy glass ceiling is being smashed.'<br>
<br>He continued 'There is a wave of female American comedian's doing edgy, experimental and highly successful work.'<br>
<br>'It's just I don't really have access to any of their TV shows and don't get to the cinema as much as I used to.'<br>
<br>'But I love their work. That one from that Parks thing. And the one from SNL. And the other one from SNL. And the one with the chatshow who keeps getting her tits out.'<br>
<br>'And the loud brunette one too. I can't remember her name either. It's something along the line of Amy Chelsea Kristen Michelle Handler-Wiig.'<br>
<br>'Who am I kidding? I haven't a clue. They all merge in to one. My brain can only handle one or two powerful independent female comedians.'<br>
<br>'I'll just start telling mother in law jokes and have done with it.'<br>
<br>'Oh the shame!'</p></div><br>

Feminist Men Feel Guilty With Their Struggle Telling US Women Comedians Apart

British feminist men are lauding the increase in female comedy participation yet feel deep guilt over their inability to identify any of the...

Guardian Culture 'Like Having a Massive Brain Injury'

Arts, Lifestyle, News 09:10

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A study has emerged that says reading the entire Guardian Culture section is the closest feeling to having a fucking colossal brain haemorrhage. <br />
<br />'It's the sheer volume of shite that does it' said Professor Charles Langtree of Felchfield Polytechnic. <br />
<br />'Take yesterday's headline of 'Jefferson Hack’s fashion-dance mashup: Tanztheater Wuppertal perform in Prada'<br />
<br />'I recognise the words 'perform' and 'in' but the rest of it is a white noise of random, drug-fuelled bollocks.'<br />
<br />'When I read such headlines I worry that the next 500 words will lead to chronic dissociative disorder and a penchant for Will Selfian drivel-speak.'<br />
<br />Professor Langtree's MRI scans of victims of Guardian Culture show similar brainwave patterns to sexual sadists. <br />
<br />'I think they may be wanking themselves off whilst hanging from a responsibly sourced hemp rope and choking on an organic satsuma' he said.</div>
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Guardian Culture 'Like Having a Massive Brain Injury'

A study has emerged that says reading the entire Guardian Culture section is the closest feeling to having a fucking colossal brain haemo...

Shakespeare Comedy Makes Person Laugh

Arts, News 09:10

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<br/>A Shakespeare comedy has made a person laugh out loud it was revealed.<br/>
<br/>Whilst teaching his GCSE English class 'A Midsummer Night's Dream', Mr. Geoff Robinson guffawed at several points as his pupils read aloud from the text.<br/>
<br/>Looking bemused and unimpressed, 16 year old Lacy Garage said 'Does he think he's impressing us?'<br/>
<br/>'Is his life that devoid of value and meaning that it makes him feel big to laugh where he was told it was funny by his degree tutor and in front of a bunch of 16 year olds?'<br/>
<br/>'Is that really who gives his life meaning? Us lot, who just want to get the fuck out of here as soon as humanly possible so we can send pictures of ourselves to the person standing right next to us?'<br/>
<br/>'What a sad fucking twat. Just end it. End it now. Snort a kilo of cocaine and die of a fucking massive haemorrhage. <br/>
<br/>'Twat.'</p></div><br/>

Shakespeare Comedy Makes Person Laugh

A Shakespeare comedy has made a person laugh out loud it was revealed. Whilst teaching his GCSE English class 'A Midsummer Night's...

Seeing a Play Still Sh*tter Than Watching a Film

Arts, Entertainment 11:30

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Sitting for 2 hours in very small seats while a lot of people you have never heard of prance about without air conditioning is still worse than watching a film it has emerged.</div>
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The latest government statistics show that large seats, a nice temperature, famous people and explosions are what an audience truly wants.</div>
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Theatregoer Tim Streetlamp said 'I only go to make girls think I am cultured. Even the west end plays with famous people in are boring. I want to see shit explode.'</div>
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And critic for the Evening Standard Jeremy Clout was of a similar opinion.</div>
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'I go to the theatre because I am paid. If I go to the cinema I may see Jennifer Lawrence's tits.'</div>
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'I didn't see them during The Fappening as that was immoral and wrong and I want to see that mole on her left nipple that I saw in those photos from The Fa..... Fa...... fly me to the moon! Ahhhh I love Frank Sinatra.'</div>
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Seeing a Play Still Sh*tter Than Watching a Film

Sitting for 2 hours in very small seats while a lot of people you have never heard of prance about without air conditioning is still worse ...

Kanye Glastonbury Protests for Different Twat

Arts, Entertainment 09:05

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A petition has been started since the announcement that Kanye West would headline Glastonbury this year.</div>
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Available for signing on Change.org, it reads thusly:</div>
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'We the undersigned wish for the Glastonbury Festival to replace Kanye West with an entirely different overpaid, annoying twat.'</div>
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'We suggest Jamie Cullum or James Blunt.'</div>
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<br /></div>
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Emily Eavis, festival organiser and talent booker, said 'If we limited our talent pool to non-twats we would end up having the Chuckle Brothers headlining.'</div>
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<br /></div>
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'It's impossible not to book a twat. They all want Cristal Champagne, rose petals underfoot and air shipped in from the alps.'</div>
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'We nearly renamed it Glastonbury Cuntival one year but Dolly Parton turned out to be vaguely normal. Who knew?'</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
 </div>

Kanye Glastonbury Protests for Different Twat

A petition has been started since the announcement that Kanye West would headline Glastonbury this year. Available for signing on C...

St. Patrick's Day Wrongly Celebrated by 99.94% of World.

Arts, International, News 09:25

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Today is a proud day for Irishmen as it is time for their annual celebration of their patron saint.</div>
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However the rest of the planet seems confused by this and is celebrating too.</div>
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Professor Charles Langtree from Felchfield Polytechnic lays out the facts.</div>
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'Well 99.94% of the world isn't from Ireland. They probably have their own national day and this is when they really should be celebrating.'</div>
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He continued 'Today is for proud Irish to celebrate their nation and heritage. By imbibing Stout, a northern English drink, having a bit of craic, from the word crack or cracking, a northern English and Scottish word meaning 'news' and later 'good' which was then gaelicised in the 1970's into craic, and by honouring their patron saint Patrick, a Briton, Irish people can celebrate all things Irish!'</div>
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Sean O'Briain, an Irishman living in London said 'Frankly it's an embarrassment. There is plenty to celebrate about Ireland but this leprechaun infused, green hat wearing collection of pseudo-gaelic shite makes me cringe.'</div>
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He continued 'Come back on 15th February. I'll be celebrating the birth of George Johnstone Stoney who posited the existence of electrons. Someone worth celebrating and getting fucking wankered for.'</div>
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 </div>

St. Patrick's Day Wrongly Celebrated by 99.94% of World.

Today is a proud day for Irishmen as it is time for their annual celebration of their patron saint. However the rest of the planet ...

Numbers to Replace Letters in All Film Titles

Arts, Entertainment, News 09:25

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<br />
Film producers have announced that letters will increasingly be phased out in movie titles in favour of numbers.<br />
</div>
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Se7en, Thir13en Ghosts and most recently Tak3n have recieved overwhelmingly good feedback.<br />
</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Many films already in production or ready for release have already been changed. This summer we will be able to see The Av3n63r5, 7ura5516 W041d and T38m1n6t04 63n15y5.<br />
</div>
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And Kenneth Branagh is realeasing his version of the tragedy of the Danish prince and his dead father, 443137.<br />
</div>
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Asked for who was polled to discover this new information, the Producers Guild of America said 'We polled four 13 year old boys from Alabama who were watching WWE wrestling and inserting corn dogs up each others asses. You know, the average American.'</div>
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Numbers to Replace Letters in All Film Titles

Film producers have announced that letters will increasingly be phased out in movie titles in favour of numbers. Se7en, Thir13en Ghos...

Mona Lisa Was a Dot-to-Dot

Arts 09:20

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New X-ray techniques have revealed that the Mona Lisa was in fact a dot-to-dot puzzle.</div>
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This is the latest blow to the repuation of Leonardo Da Vinci. Last year it emerged that he stole the idea for the vitruvian man from the titles of ITV news show World In Action.</div>
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His reputation was further tarnished when it was discovered that The Last Supper was based on a photo of a post exam piss up from his Oxford days.</div>
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Speaking from his luxury Chelsea wheelie bin, Mr. da Vinci said 'I have never borrowed any ideas or used shortcuts in my work. It is entirely possible for a person to be this accomplished in so many fields.'</div>
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However, Melvin Bragg disagrees. </div>
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'As a devoted follower of the arts it has long been the suspicion of myself and my colleagues that Leonardo at least had some outside help. This degree of deception though is without comparison. He really is a cunt.'</div>
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 </div>

Mona Lisa Was a Dot-to-Dot

New X-ray techniques have revealed that the Mona Lisa was in fact a dot-to-dot puzzle. This is the latest blow to the repuation of ...

BBC News music hits No.1 in dance chart

Arts, Entertainment 09:30

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<br />
<br />
The music that has been used for the BBC News for the past 7 years has been released and hit number 1 in the dance charts.<br />
<br />
The 120 bpm techno trance hybrid has been a favourite of the millenial rave scene for some time.<br />
<br />
Aaron Davies, 19 of Sheffield, said 'There is always one tune that gets the energy up on the dance floor and that's Beeb News Beats. The phat baseline makes your head spin and I drop a couple of E's and just bust some moves.'<br />
<br />
PC Kevin Karlson of South Yorkshire Police said 'This has been a problem for some time. Me and my mates used to dance to it but then it was an underground scene. It has become huge. We have asked the BBC to change their news music. But we suspect the Director General is also known by a street name of Big Cock Charlie, an ecstacy and speed dealer. It's in his interest to keep this in the charts. Our investigation is ongoing.'<br />
<br />
The BBC Director General said in a statement 'I have never been and will never be a drug dealer. Understand? Keep an eye on your family, won't you?'

BBC News music hits No.1 in dance chart

The music that has been used for the BBC News for the past 7 years has been released and hit number 1 in the dance charts. The 120 bpm...

'Baby Got Back' to be hymn on Songs of Praise

Arts, UK 09:48

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The 90s mysogynistic hip hop 'classic' Baby Got Back by Sir Mixalot is to be the opening hymn on Songs of Praise it has been revealed.</div>
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Producers for the show have been trying to broaden its appeal and demographic reach.</div>
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Oliver Jones, executive producer said 'We are aware our show is painfully white and middle class. We want to reach other groups and all black people love rap music don't they?'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
He continued 'I was trying to think of a way to reach black people when I looked at my television and there was Rachel on Friends singing it. I honestly have no idea what the lyrics mean but it sounded fun.'</div>
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<br /></div>
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Sir Michael Stevens of the Campaign For Equality said 'Sometimes when I wake up and read the headlines I think I may still be dreaming. Or be having a massive acid flashback. But then I realise that someone, somewhere thought this was a good idea. And I despair for humanity.'</div>
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'Baby Got Back' to be hymn on Songs of Praise

The 90s mysogynistic hip hop 'classic' Baby Got Back by Sir Mixalot is to be the opening hymn on Songs of Praise it has been reveal...

Post Mortem Celebrity Mastermind with Jade Goody

Arts, UK 12:07

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<br />
<br />
Mastermind, long seen as the bastion of intelligent quiz shows and respected as truly deserving of its name has come under fire of late for dumbing down.<br />
<br />
After Celebrity Mastermind was commissioned and faced scrutiny for the easier questions and quality of contestants the shows poducers have been accused of blatant ratings chasing.<br />
<br />
Adrian Paul, Executive Producer said 'This is a natural progression for the show. Post Mortem Celebrity Mastermind is an innovative and intelligent addition to the shows line-up. People love to see celebrities and often miss old favourites who have died, so we exhume them, infect them with some sort of zombie virus and bask in their intellectual greatness, whilst holding shotguns in case they get a bit munchy.'<br />
<br />
Ignoring the obvious taste issues, Mr. Paul was questioned on the quality of the contenders. He was firm in his rebuttal.<br />
<br />
'Nonsense. Jade Goody was a smart, intelligent woman. I don't know where East Angular is either. She was an inspiration to many with her unique marathon running skills and casual racism.'<br />
<br />
Other contestants include Amy Winehouse, specialist subject Intra-Toe Smack Injecting; Paul Walker, specialist subject Speed Awareness and Breaking Technique; and finally Mickey Rooney, specialist subject Clandestine Funding of Irish Terror Groups.

Post Mortem Celebrity Mastermind with Jade Goody

Mastermind, long seen as the bastion of intelligent quiz shows and respected as truly deserving of its name has come under fire of late ...

JK Rowling's job advert gets made into BBC drama

Arts, UK 11:16

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JK Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books and constant victim of obsession with her every written word has a new BBC adaptation released today.</div>
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After realising she needed a personal assistant on an ad hoc basis, she posted an advert for a casual vacancy on Gumtree.</div>
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Nutters at the BBC commissioning office, responsible for Pets Win Prizes, created a 6 part drama based around the advert.</div>
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'It's madness', she said. 'I made a non-fiction book within a fictional universe called 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them' and they're making a hollywood movie out of it.'</div>
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She continued, 'My old university CV was made into a one off drama. And my Tesco recipts have been made into a web series. What the fuck is going on?!?'</div>
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Channel 4 films have approached The Morning Gerald for the TV rights to this interview but we declined on account of them being mental.</div>
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JK Rowling's job advert gets made into BBC drama

JK Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books and constant victim of obsession with her every written word has a new BBC adaptation released...